breathing

people can choose when they want to end their lives, right? breathing is an autonomous reaction, so why don’t people end their lives by stopping their breath? you can cut your wrists, pop some pills, jump off a bridge, etc. but why not just stop breathing? is it too hard to do? i don’t want to get all dark on all of you; however, if you are a little bored, try offing yourself by holding your breath above water. hate to provide the spoiler alert, you cannot do it. the reason why you cannot off yourself without any accessories is because you weren’t intended to do it. this is why i am pissed about these pussies who are attending cornell and have suddenly decided that living really isn’t worth it. why does espn think it is newsworthty to run a story about their basketball team, drawing them up to be some great stroryline, like if they win in the ncaa tourney they will somehow provide hope and inspiration to those who hate their lives.

“hey tommy, i really hate being smart and having to do all this homework. i really want to go kill myself; but, if cornell beats kentucky i will save myself from hell and go ahead and write this 15 page thesis.”

really? go fuck yourself. i’m serious. i don’t even want to bring in the whole argument of people who are less fortunate because that is a bullshit argument. what isn’t a bullshit argument is that life does suck. you are going to hate yourself. you are going to reminisce to times in your life where things where all great and dandy. there are no amount of clichés you can tell a person about the reasons to live, but really though, man the fuck up and just stop breathing….by yourself.

Unemployed – Week in Review

I was recently let go from my previous job at Coventry Health Care. I worked there for over a year (which happened to trump my longest stint of employment by 5 months) and had a great time everyday I went to work. I have now been unemployed for exactly one week and I feel that it would be healthy to take a look back and review all of the exciting things I did on my paid vacation (I received one month of paid severance). So without further adieu here it goes:

1. drank copious amounts of booze

2. looked at copious amounts of porn

3. repeated steps one and two

Bro Code

So back in the day, men respected men. They understood that there was an unwritten sort of communication between men that allowed them to be the superior people. One day, this entire thing went out the window. I stand before you as a practitioner about the old way and tonight I realized there are non-men. I was chat-chitting with a beautiful female and up walk two dudes. They proceeded to spit their terrible game and I was left standing there like an asshole. They threw out their best lines (they failed), I complimented her (they laughed), they berated me for my “game” and then she had to find her friends.

 

Are we not on the same page guys? Do we not have the same intentions? Are we not all trying to lay some pipe? How would you feel if you were at Chipolte and some chick cut in front of you to order? You’d be pissed. Times that shit by ten. I am so livid right now that I was talking to a very cute girl and two guys jump into our conversation. They felt that they had a great convo to add….they didn’t. They just stood there, saying stuff like, “oh girl, what’ch doing after you leave here girl”.

Sorry bros, you guys fucking suck. GO FUCK A FURBY.

And Michael Vick is a Bad Person

Has anyone noticed this new trend that is currently on the rise with homeless people today? They are slowly become proud owners of dogs. Let me say that again, proud owners of dogs. Hey here is an idea, if you can barely afford to feed yourself, why not get a dog? I mean, do they look at it as a way to no longer have to come up with creative pitches to get our money? No longer do you see the “Will work for food” or “Let’s not kid ourselves, I’m gonna spend the money you give me on booze” signs that so inspired us to hand over our loose change. Now, we see a dog and instead of being humored or led to believe our money will produce labor, we are simply guilt tripped to not let a dog die. At least when Michael Vick was doing his thing, he at least gave  you a chance to make some money off of animal cruelty by betting on the right dog. As bad as that last statement was, think about this, unless you were there at the dog fighting, you didn’t have a chance of being attacked by those dogs. What happens if homeless pup bites you? One word; Rabies. So not only do you stand the chance of getting rabies from the homeless person when they think they are a dog, but also from their actual dog. I have never once seen a dog that is owned by a homeless person that didn’t look like its owner: malnourished, dirty, and smells like their own bowel movements. Can we please end this terrible trend and get back to the classic brown cardboard sales pitches already?

Relationship Test

I have discovered in my short time upon this earth, the sure fire way to test if your relationship will succeed, or fail. I feel that I must preface this by saying, no, I did not come up with this test from this month’s Cosmo. Without further ado, I present to you the way to tell if you guys will turn into Ike and Tina Turner (or O.J. and Nicole or Chris and Rhianna, ect.), or the people who live together for eternity. This test comes from our wonderful friends in Sweden and it only requires one simple task: the construction of a piece of Ikea furniture. Go ahead and try it. I dare you. In all of my experiences of watching couples take this test, it only ends in one way, complete disaster. Building an entertainment center from Ikea is a bomb that is filled with curse words, anger, insults, and possibly shrapnel from the screws and bolts that will likely be thrown across the room. In all my experiences of observing couples try to construct even the simplest of furniture pieces from Ikea, I have witnessed screaming and yelling that can only be seen at the end of a ten hour marathon of Monopoly.

Sure this may seem innocent at first, maybe even fun; but by the end of it guys, your girlfriend will look like that T-Rex from Jurassic Park and you are just sitting there crying in the fetal position. Consider yourself warned.

Sonic’s

Have you seen these commericals from Sonic with the retard and the quiet guy? Really? I know stupid people, I don’t hang out with them, let alone go grab fast food and gossip about my day. The one commercial I really can’t stand is when the retard is talking about how he takes a date to Sonic, then compliments her financial savvy by ordering off of the dollar menu. First off, who takes a date to Sonic? A 16 year old? Pot-head? An idiot who thinks Sonic is a drive-in movie theatre? A 16 year old pot head who mistakes Sonic for a drive-in? Secondly, in the commercial, he calls the girl a cheap date since she orders the dollar items. Even if she doesn’t order off the dollar menu, isn’t she still a cheap date? I mean really, without packing 6 fat drunk guys into a truck, how can Sonic be expensive? They cap off the commercial with classic Sonic humor by making the retard say something dumb, which has me convinced that the quiet guy isn’t actually the retard’s friend, but rather his caretaker.

Popeye’s or should I say reverse racists

When I hear black people complain about people stereotyping them for stuff I agree with them that it is wrong. People stop doing this. But at the same time, black people, quit encouraging it. For example, have you seen that Popeye’s commercial where the lady is talking up how awesome Popeye’s chicken is?  She happens to be a black lady with several black co-workers. I understand Popeye’s is a Lousiana based restuarant but it was started by a white guy. Sounds familiar (KFC). Now I’m not saying that whitey should be paraded around throughout the commercial; but the only camera time they get, is in the back behind the lady talking, sweating it out in the kitchen like some subtle reverse racism propaganda. Now I don’t support racism, but I do support stereotypism. So black people, I know not all of you love chicken, but quit trying to brainwash me into thinking it.